Being Gay

You may wonder if you're normal. Perhaps you worry about people finding out. Maybe you avoid other teens who might be gay because of what people will think. Working this hard to conceal your thoughts and feelings is called being in the closet. It's a painful and lonely place to be, even if you stay there in order to survive. It takes a lot of energy to deny your thoughts and feelings and it can be costly. You may have tried using alcohol or drugs. You may have considered suicide. If so, please consult the back of this pamphlet for organizations that can help you.

Men who call themselves gay are emotionally and sexually attracted to other men. Their sexual thoughts and feelings toward men are normal and natural for them. These thoughts and feelings emerge when they are boys and continue into adulthood. Although some gay men may have sex with women in order to hide their sexuality, they admit that they're more attracted to men.

We know that one out of ten people are gay. This means that in any large group of people, a couple of people are gay. You can't tell if someone is gay unless he wants you to know. Gay people blend in with straight people, but they often feel different. Gay youth may not be able to specify just why they feel different. All of their friends seem to be attracted to girls, so they don't know where they fit in and they may not be comfortable talking with an adult about it.

You may not know what to call your thoughts and feelings. You don't have to label yourself right now. Our sexual identities develop over time. Most adolescent boys are intensely sexual during the years around puberty (usually between 11 and 15 years old) when their bodies start changing and their hormones are active. Your thoughts and feelings may be so strong that they're not directed toward particular people or situations, but seem to emerge without cause. As you get older you'll figure out who you're really attracted to.
Boys who are truly gay find that, over time, their attractions to boys and men become clearer. You may find yourself falling in love with your classmates or maybe developing a crush on a particular adult man. You may find these experiences pleasurable, troubling, or both. By the age 16 or 17 many gay youth start thinking about what to call themselves, while others prefer to wait.

If you think you might be gay, ask yourself:
When I dream or fantasize sexually, is it about boys or girls?
Have I ever had a crush or been in love with a boy or man?
Do I feel different than my friends because they date girls?
Are my feelings for boys and men clear?
If you can't answer these questions now, don't worry. You'll become more aware in time.

More gay youth are learning to feel better about themselves. As society changes so do people's attitudes. When you start to acknowledge your deepest thoughts and feelings, you'll learn what it means to be gay. You'll also be more comfortable with your sexuality. This is the process called coming out.

The first step to coming out is to tell yourself that you're are gay. Later on you may want to tell someone else who you trust like a close friend or an adult. You'll probably want to meet other gay youth for friendship or an intimate relationship. Some gay youth are able to come out to their families. You need to decide whether or not to tell your family, and choose the right time. Lots of people, including parents, simply don't understand gay people. In the beginning, be cautious about who you tell. It's crucial to be honest with yourself. Most gay youth who accept their sexuality say they feel happier and more confident.

So, you may be ready to find out more. You can start by checking the Internet for gay sites, but be careful what you disclose online. Check if there's a toll-free line you can call for information. Lots of places have them. They'll let you talk about your thoughts and feelings, and will direct you to organizations that help gay people.
Remember that gay people are everywhere so trust your instincts. Sooner or later you'll find someone who feels some of the same as you.

Naturally, you think about finding an outlet for your thoughts and feelings. Becoming a healthy sexual person is part of the coming out process. You may be scared at the prospect of having sex. This is normal for everyone. No one should start having sex until they're ready. Until then, you may choose to masturbate or fantasize.
There's a number of different ways to have sex whether it's gay or straight. Gay men choose from a wide range of sexual practices, including masturbation (either alone or with another person), oral sex, anal intercourse, kissing, hugging, stroking or anything else that appeals to both partners. You're in complete control over what you do sexually and with whom.

All sexually active people need to be aware of AIDS as well as other sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Being gay doesn't give you HIV. Certain behaviours can put you at risk for catching HIV and other STIs. HIV, genital warts, and genital herpes are incurable, but all STIs are preventable.

Here's how to reduce your risk of getting an STI:
Don't shoot up drugs. Sharing needles is the most dangerous behaviour in terms of getting HIV and Hepatitis.
Avoid anal intercourse or other direct anal contact. Anal intercourse transmits the virus very efficiently. If you do engage in anal sex, use a condom every time.
t Use latex condoms whenever you engage in anal or oral sex (or vaginal sex if you have sex with women). You should always check the expiry date on your condoms before using them. Store condoms away from heat. You shouldn't store condoms in your wallet as the heat and friction could damage them. Use a condom only once. Try to use condoms with a reservoir tip and be sure to squeeze the air from the tip as you put them on. Hold on to the condom as you remove your penis because sometimes they slip off after sex.
Choose sexual activities that don't involve intercourse: hugging, kissing, talking, massaging, wrestling or masturbating (on unbroken skin).

It's not easy to discover you're gay. Society makes it very clear what it thinks of gay people. We all know the terrible jokes, the hurtful stereotypes and the wrong ideas that circulate about gay people. Some people tend to hate or fear what they don't understand. It's no wonder that some people choose to hide their sexuality, but that's not healthy. Just try not to take things too personally. Once you learn to like yourself others will respond to this and like you too.

Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay and Transgender at Memorial University of Newfoundland
(LBGT-MUN) 864-7619

PFLAG Canada 1-888-530-6777
(A national organization that offers support to families of LBGT people)

Related Organizations

Newfoundland & Labrador AIDS Committee
St. John's 579-8656
Toll-free: 1-800-563-1575
Gander 1-888-271-2437
Corner Brook 1-800-563-1575

Hours:
Monday, Tuesday, & Friday: 9:00-5:00
Wednesday: 12:00-5:00
Thursday: 12:00-8:00

Free Your Mind: The Book for Gay, Lesbian & Bisexual Youth--And Their Allies, Bass, Ellen & Kaufman, Kate. (1996). New York: HarperCollins

Is It a Choice: Answers to 300 of the Most Frequently Asked Questions About Gays and Lesbians. Marcus, Eric (1993). San Francisco: Harper Collins.

Now that I'm out, what do I do? McNaught, Brian. (1998). Stonewall Inn Editions.

Two Teenagers in Twenty: Writings by Gay and Lesbian Youth. ed. Ann Heron, Alyson Publications, 40 Plympton St., Boston, MA 02118